Spiderman Abridged With Commentary
by Anonymius
Summary: Spiderman movies shortened, parodied and commentated on.
1. SpiderMan

**I do not own 'Spiderman' or anything related.**

* * *

Commentator: Hello, all you readers. I'm the Commentator. For those of you who don't know me, I'm a higher entity who's favourite hobby is to commentate on and make fun of mediocre pop-culture. And these are my assistants, the Professor-

Professor: How do you do, everybody.

Commentator: And Sammy the Slug.

Sammy: Hello!

Commentator: Now, as is clear from the title, our current project is 'Spiderman'.

Professor: Sir, seriously, 'Spiderman'?

Commentator: -What's wrong with 'Spiderman'? Or right in this case?

Professor: Sir, hasn't 'Spiderman' already been parodied?

Commentator: (Understanding what he means) Prof, we've been through this. Just because something's already done doesn't mean that someone else can't do it better.

Professor: No we didn't.

Commentator: We didn't? Huh. Must be thinking of a totally different conversation between two other people then. The point is I think anyone can parody 'Spiderman' better than (Shudder) the blank movie crew.

Professor: I'm only saying perhaps the reason it was so bad was because it is difficult to parody 'Spiderman'.

Commentator: Yeah well if you parody pop culture like the blank movie crew then it's bound to be bad no matter no difficult it is to make fun of 'Spiderman'.

Professor: -I don't understand.

Commentator: Allow me to explain. You see Professor, since I got into the parodying business, I learnt that there are in fact two different types of the parody. One is the superior version that actually does what it's called and PARODIES the thing it is about, and is popular because it makes fun of the things everyone hates. The other is the inferior version where they just cram in a load of toilet humour and pop culture references and pass it off as funny.

Professor: You mean like every episode of 'Family Guy'?

Commentator: Precisely.

Professor: So, you think we can do a better job of parodying 'Spiderman' than 'Superhero Movie'?

Commentator: I think anyone can do a better job of parodying 'Spiderman' than 'Superhero Movie'. Let's just watch, shall we?

* * *

_Peter: Who am I? You sure you want to know? It's not that this is a scary tale or anything, I'm just saying it to for dramatic effect. All right. You were warned. My name is Peter Parker, world's biggest nerd. I'm so unpopular that even the other nerds hate me. Can't imagine why._

Nerdy Girl: Oh sure, just because a girl wears glasses and is less than good looking, that automatically makes her a nerd?

Commentator: Yep.

Professor: No!

Sammy: Kinda.

_Peter: Honestly, because of that and the fact that for some reason I keep missing the bus for no explained reason it sometimes feels like someone up there hates me. Well two of them, really, a director and a writer._

* * *

_Meanwhile, in a limousine…_

Harry: Okay, Dad, explain to me one more time so that I can remember. Why on Earth for any reason would you have me enrol in a public school when you can afford to send me to a private one?

Osborne: Oh come now, Harry, surely public schools aren't as bad as the media portrays them to be!

Harry: Even so don't schools that are privately funded naturally superior to those that are funded by the state and federal governments?

Osborne: All right, how else are you supposed to become friends with Peter Parker if not in High School?

Harry: Er, in College like in the comics, which actually makes more sense?

Osborne: Yes well the director wanted your friendship to be established earlier now get out of the limo!

* * *

Harry: Hey Pete!

Peter: Harry! I forgot that I had a lifelong best friend amongst all the shunning and bullying. Sure would have been good if I had one friend on the bus.

Harry: Yeah, Dad won't let me ride with all the lowly mortals despite being expected to go to school with them.

Osborne: That would be me. Hi there, I'm Harry's dad. We've never met despite the fact that you two are apparently lifelong friends. I hear you're quite the scientist. I'm sure your parents must be proud.

Peter: My aunt and uncle are, Mr Osborne. I'm afraid I lost my parents a long time ago.

Osborne: Oh I'm sorry to hear that. Okay I've got to ask. Are they S.H.I.E.L.D agents or scientists in this continuity?

Peter: Oh who knows? Given how the filmmakers like to keep the different superheroes separate, probably the latter, although the former would allow an excuse for Sam Jackson to be in the movies.

* * *

Harry: Go on, Pete! Talk to her!

Peter: Nah. I'm too shy. Besides she's already got a boyfriend who would probably kick my ass for flirting with his girlfriend. More so than usual.

Harry: Oh, okay. Then I'm sure you won't mind me flirting with her even though I'm your best friend and I know that you love her and present your knowledge as my own to her.

Peter: Not at all. Wait, what?

Scientist: Here we have successfully created fifteen spiders by combining the DNA of numerous species of spiders.

Student: (Puts up their hand) Why?

Scientist: -Why what?

Student: What's the point in creating new species of spiders? What's the practical purpose of it?

Scientist: Because playing God is fun!

Mary-Jane: I'm sorry you said fifteen, right?

Scientist: Yes that's what I said.

Mary-Jane: You're sure about that number?

Scientist: Young lady, I assure you that I do not make mistakes like that.

Mary-Jane: So you swear on your mother's life that there are fifteen exact?

Scientist: YES THERE ARE FIFTEEN; THERE ARE FIFTEEN EXACT, WHY DO YOU KEEP ASKING?

Mary-Jane: Because there are only fourteen.

Scientist: -Oh. Really? Oh well, must have miscounted, nothing to worry about. Anymore questions? Yes, you with the obscure figure.

Commentator: Hi, yeah, I can't help but notice that there's a crack in one of the glass cases.

Scientist: What crack?

Commentator: The one right there!

Scientist: Crack, what crack, I see no crack!

Commentator: There's a huge crack right there, a spider's clearly escaped!

Scientist: A likely story despite the apparent strength of these super-spiders.

Commentator: -Tell me Miss Scientist, how deadly are these spiders?

Scientist: Oh they're instantly fatal, although there's a one-in-a-million chance that the bite will give you spider powers.

Commentator: So, any parent would be able to sue your university of every single penny you've got if their child was to die because you were too damn lazy and careless to check that none of your spiders got loose-

Scientist: Moving on!

Spider: Mwahahaa! Time to bite someone for no adequately explained reason!

Professor: You know, this is the bit in the whole Ezekiel retcon thing where the spider deliberately gives Peter his powers actually make sense. It's the only bit of that whole story that made sense!

Spider: All right fine, time to give some poor loser superhuman abilites so that he can gain the confidence to talk to the girl of his dreams and defend himself from bullies!

Professor: That's better.

Peter: Ow! Ooh, I don't feel too well. But instead of doing the sensible thing and telling someone about it or going to the doctors I think I'll just sleep it off when I get home.

Spider: Mwahahahaaaaaa! Now to make my getaway and never be seen again! Hmm. I wonder if I should give someone else spider-like abilities?

* * *

Commentator: Okay that's just impossible.

Peter: What is?

Commentator: tell me, Pete, do you happen to do any sort of exercise?

Peter: No.

Commentator: Do you do any sports?

Peter: No.

Commentator: Do you have a special diet?

Peter: No I just eat the same crap as everyone else, why do you ask?

Commentator: Then how is it that you have no gut? It doesn't make any sense! It completely defies all the laws of nature!

Peter: Now okay, there is a logical reason for this. You see ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ.

And so as Peter sleeps, the bite he received from the spider transforms his DNA into a human-spider hybrid!

Commentator: And this is supposed to make more sense than the radioactive bite? Forgive me if I don't understand how a newly created spider is supposed to be more plausible than a radioactive one.

Professor: Because sir whereas a radioactive spider if it even survived the radiation, would only barely affect you, whereas a newly created genetically engineered spider's venom would contain a virus that may rewrite your DNA.

Commentator: -Oh. Right. Well when you put it that way, I guess it does make more sense!

* * *

May: Peter didn't come down for dinner.

Ben: Ah, let him be!

May: Shouldn't we at least check on him before we go to bed?

Ben: Nah, let him be!

* * *

Peter: Whoa! Somehow being bitten by a spider has not only given me a muscular physique, but it has also improved my eyesight even though the human is five times sharper than even the spider with the best vision.

* * *

May: Peter, breakfast!

Peter: No time for the most important meal of the day! Have to go to school!

May: Oh okay! Didn't he seem a little…different to you?

Ben: Not at all!

May: He was able to run on the wall!

Ben: It's the teenage hormones, they do that!

May: He seemed more confident than usual.

Ben: Hormones.

May: He wasn't wearing his glasses!

Ben: Um, hormones?

May: He was wearing something OTHER than his usual collared short sleeved shirt!

Ben: (Drops his spoon) Dear God your right! Something must have happened to him!

* * *

Peter: Hey, how come I'm eating lunch on my own like a total loser? More so than usual? Isn't Harry supposed to be my best friend, why isn't he eating lunch with me?

* * *

Peter: Wow! Being bitten by a spider has given me a sixth sense! Because everyone knows that spiders have six senses! Wow! Being bitten by a spider has given me acrobatic abilities, because everyone knows that spiders can do somersaults! Wow! Being bitten by a spider has given me martial abilities, because everyone knows that spiders genetically know Kung Fu!

Commentator: Anything else that spiders can do that everyone knows?

Peter: Not that I can think of.

Mary-Jane: Harry! What are you doing? Help Peter!

Harry: Why?

Mary-Jane: Good God man, are you his best friend or aren't you?

* * *

_Later that day, Peter discovers another ability he gained from the spider bite in an alleyway._

Peter: WHOA! Being bitten by a spider has given me tiny hairs on my hands that enable me to crawl on walls! Huh. I guess that is one of the more plausible abilities for a spider to give me.

* * *

_Later that day, after coming home from failed web-slinging (Which apparently took the whole day) Peter realises that he forgot to do wall-painting with his uncle, who has left him a note._

Commentator: Why does he keep calling you Michael Angelo?

Peter: Because I'm a genius, and Michael Angelo's a genius. Duh.

Commentator: I know but wouldn't Leonardo be more appropriate?

* * *

_Later that day, while taking out the trash, Peter runs into Mary-Jane, and they discuss his behaviour at school that day._

Mary-Jane: IT WAS REALLY FREAKY! So what are your plans after High School?

Peter: Wait, wasn't I just freaky a moment ago?

Mary-Jane: Didn't anyone tell you? I love freaks.

Peter: I don't know whether to take that as a compliment or not.

* * *

_After seeing Mary-Jane get in a car with Flash, Peter decides to win her heart with a car. Now, whereas most responsible people get a job in order to get money, Peter decides to use his superpowers to win a wrestling match._

* * *

Peter: Wow! No one seems that freaked out anymore about me despite what happened yesterday! Plus you would have thought that I would have gotten into trouble for skipping school. Hey! Could it be that this school suffers from the dreaded Sunnydale Syndrome?

Fury: No actually that's our doing.

Peter: Gasp! So you really do exist in my world?

Fury: Not officially. We're used to this kind of situation. Did you really think that you're the only superhero? You've just become part of a wider world.

Peter: I have?

Fury: Actually I'm not too sure. Movie directors like to keep their superheroes in separate continuities even though that conflicts with the comics. In any case we've had a specialist who's used to dealing with this kind of situation.

Peter: Really? Who?

The Haitian: (Flicking money) Hey. It pays to contract out your services!

* * *

_Meanwhile, when the day comes to get the money, Uncle Ben drops him off at what he thinks will be the library, and has something to say._

Ben: Peter, your recent change in behaviour is worrying me. Spending all your time in your room, neglecting your chores that one time, defending yourself from bullies.

Peter: And you're not at all baffled as to how I defeated a football jock twice my size?

Ben: Hormones. Look, Peter, you're changing. It happens with puberty.

Peter: Um, Uncle Ben? I went through puberty like five years ago, although it actually feels like fourteen.

Ben: -Riiiiight. I just want to tell you Peter that just because you can beat someone up, doesn't mean you should beat them up.

Peter: I didn't beat anyone up, I defended myself from someone who was trying to beat me up! This is injustice! I'm being told off for self-defence, that's suddenly a crime now?

Ben: Yes. Just remember Pete that with great power comes great responsibility.

(Silence)

Peter: What the heck does that even mean?

Ben: -What do you mean what does it mean? It means use great power responsibly! Don't make fun of one of the most legendary lines in history!

Peter: -So your referring to me gradually becoming a man as great power. Riiiiiiiiiight. Okay. That makes sense.

Professor: You know, come to think of it, before the retcon the whole 'with great power comes great responsibility' actually made more sense context wise.

Commentator: Wait what? What retcon?

Professor: Oh yeah Uncle Ben didn't originally say that it was just in the caption.

Commentator: -That explains so much.

* * *

_Meanwhile in the arena, Peter enters in his costume._

Commentator: Let me get this straight. You've been working-for five evenings on a costume, and that's the best you could come up with?

Peter: I guess the filmmakers want me to have a more organic development of my costume.

* * *

_Despite beating his opponent, however, the manager refuses to pay Peter all of the money._

Manager: You're lucky I'm giving you any money at all!

Peter: What? Why?

Manager: You cheated!

Peter: How?

Manager: By using your web-crawling and slinging abilities against someone who didn't!

Peter: Oh right. That.

* * *

_Just as he leaves the building, however, a thief runs through the corridor with some cash. Instead of stopping him, however, Peter just lets him through._

Guard: What's the matter with you, kid? How dare you not stop a guy who was older than you holding a gun!

* * *

_Later that day, however, Peter would find his uncle having been shot and dying in his arms. Later that day Peter tracked down the killer._

Spiderman: Now, Burglar, I shall seal your fate! (Pulls off his mask)

Burglar: Why did you just inexplicably take off your mask and expose your identity for no reason?

Peter: That is how I've sealed your fate.

Burglar: What do you mean?

Peter: Well, those who find out about a superhero's secret identity, unless their memory is wiped, tend to die.

Burglar: -Oh. Right.

(Peter grabs the Burglar, only to see that's it's the very robber he let go earlier)

Peter: Oh. Oh dear. Well this is life changing.

* * *

_And so, Peter learnt a valuable lesson: With great power, comes great responsibility. And so, Peter becomes the superhero Spiderman! Some time into his career, Spiderman encountered a flying menace only known as the Green Goblin, whom he would save his love Mary Jane from._

Mary-Jane: Who are you?

Spiderman: You know who I-aah! (Clutches mouth) Why isn't the mask muffling my voice? Seriously, how am I able to speak clearly with the mask over my mouth as if I don't have it on?

Commentator: Spidey, you just pointed out a major flaw in adapting Spiderman for the screen.

Spiderman: Now you know who I am!

Mary-Jane: No I don't.

Spiderman: -Wait, what? Seriously? Don't I sound exactly like a certain best friend?

Mary-Jane: None that I can think of.

* * *

_Sometime later, the Green Goblin captured Spiderman, and attempt to convince him to join him._

Green Goblin: People will eventually turn on you, Spiderman, because in case you've forgotten, one of the things that 'Spiderman' is famous for is that everyone's a gullible idiot who believes whatever some newspaper tells them to believe!

Commentator: And this is different from the real world how?

* * *

_Sometime later, Spiderman saves Mary-Jane from a bunch of rapists, and they kiss._

Spiderman: Wait, don't you have a boyfriend or something?

Mary-Jane: What's your point?

Spiderman: None whatsoever.

Commentator: SPIDEY!

Spiderman: What?

Sammy: Boss! Don't ruin one of the most romantic moments in the film!

Commentator: But she's cheating on her boyfriend!

Sammy: With the superhero she has a crush on!

Commentator: And that makes it okay, does it? Am I the only one who's concerned that she's being unfaithful?

Professor: Yes.

* * *

Cop: Spiderman! You're under arrest!

Spiderman: Under arrest? For what?

Cop: I don't know, but I'm sure there's something you must have done! Cos the newspaper says so!

Spiderman: Yeah, dude, I know my rights, and I'm pretty sure you can't just say "Spiderman, I'm arresting you for whatever crime you may have possibly or not have done". Unless you live in a fascist state, that is-

* * *

_Just then a woman can be heard screaming in the burning building, and Spiderman goes to investigate._

Spiderman: Oh my! A shrouded old woman! Well I'm sure that she can't possibly be the Green Goblin in disguise! OH MY GOD! IT WAS THE GREEN GOBLIN ALL ALONG, I HAD NO IDEA! SUPER SPECIAL AWESOME PLOT TWIST!

* * *

Spiderman: Aggh! Oh my suit! You sliced up my suit! God! I mean do you have any idea how much this thing costs? Oh man, I can't stitch this up. Man, I'm gonna have to bin the whole thing apart from the mask and start all over!

* * *

_Later that day at Thanksgiving dinner, Norman Osborne (A.K.A. the Green Goblin) makes a discovery._

Osborne: (Gasp! OH MY GOD! PETER PARKER'S SPIDERMAN! Which was pretty obvious come to think of it given that Spiderman and Peter Parker have the exact same voice.) Something has come up. And let me assure you it has nothing to do with the cuts I've seen on Peter's arm.

Everyone: That's okay, we believe you.

* * *

_Later that day, Harry confronts his father about his behaviour, who insults Mary-Jane._

Harry: You're wrong about her, Dad! She's not some slut who'd kiss some stranger in an alleyway!

(Mary-Jane guiltily plays with her fork)

* * *

_Sometime later, Aunt May is attacked by the Green Goblin. While at her bedside, Peter and Mary-Jane get closer._

Peter: I'm actually Spiderman's personal photographer.

Mary-Jane: You are? Well despite the ludicrousness of your statement I instantly believe you. But why do people say such things about him?

Peter: And by people you mean the Bugle? And by the Bugle you mean Jameson?

Mary-Jane: Pretty much, yeah.

Peter: No idea, it's not properly explained.

* * *

_Later that day, Mary-Jane is kidnapped by the Green Goblin, and Spiderman confronts him._

Green Goblin: Tell me something, Spiderman. Notice anything interesting about our surroundings?

Spiderman: Sure. We're at the Queensboro Bridge. What's your point?

Green Goblin: And have you noticed that I've also got your girl captive?

Spiderman: Er, yeah.

Green Goblin: And that you're also facing the Green Goblin?

Spiderman: Why are you pointing out the obvious?

Green Goblin: Remind you of any famous scene in 'Spiderman' that marked the end of the silver age of comics?

Spiderman: …HEY YEAH! Oh. Aw, crap. Well, given that it's Mary-Jane and not Gwen Stacy there's a chance that she'll just get sucked in an alternate dimension instead-

Green Goblin: No Shadow Realms. We're not that lame.

Spiderman: -Oh right.

* * *

_And so, as a diabolical twist to his game, the Green Goblin attempts to make Spiderman choose between the woman he loves and a tramway car full of children. However, like Batman in 'Batman Forever', Spiderman attempts to save both, because he's both Peter Parker and Spiderman or something like that._

Green Goblin: Whoa whoa wait a minute, are you able to hold that car?

Spiderman: Er, yeah. What's your point?

Green Goblin: I thought that spiders the size of humans could only carry at least 4 tons?

Spiderman: And your point is?

Green Goblin: _That thing weighs far more than four tons._

Spiderman: -Oh. Right.

* * *

_Spiderman's strength weakens as he realises he shouldn't be able to hold the car with ease. Of course there's alot of things he shouldn't be able to do but this is something especially. Just when the Goblin appears to have won, a Deus Ex Machina flies through the air._

Green Goblin: What? A baseball bat? Oh come on! Who is responsible?

* * *

_Just then a load of ordinary New Yorkers have come to Spidey's rescue._

Green Goblin: Hey, what gives? I thought everyone was supposed to hate Spiderman by this point?

Commentator: Yeah, it seems that Sam Raimi has done away with all of that.

Green Goblin: -What?

Spiderman and Mary-Jane: What?

Other Spidermen: WHAT?

Commentator: Personally I think it's an improvement. It's such a relief to watch a 'Spiderman' continuity where not everyone's a gullible idiot who believes everything they read in a newspaper in spite of the evidence.

* * *

_And so, after rescuing Mary-Jane and the hostages, Spiderman engages the Goblin in an epic showdown._

Spiderman: You know something, Gobby? Choosing 'The Night Gwen Stacy Died' as the issue to base your master plan around was a bad idea.

Green Golbin: Why do you say that? (Uses the remote to remotely control the glider)

Spiderman: Tell me something, Goblin. What happens after Gwen is killed?

Green Goblin: Well if memory serves me correctly, the Green Goblin and Spiderman engage in a final showdown, the Green Goblin then remotely positions his glider in an attempt to kill Spiderman, but he just jumps out of the way and the Goblin gets impaled in- (Spiderman jumps out of the way of the incoming glider) Oh. Cr-GAK!

* * *

Harry: Gasp! Spiderman has come in with my father's body! I must make the only possible conclusion that he has killed my dad!

Commentator: You know, I'm not sure that's the only conclusion-

Harry: REVENGE!

* * *

Mary-Jane: Peter, I love you, and I'm yours.

Peter: I'm sorry, Mary-Jane, but I don't love you.

Mary-Jane: You-what?

Commentators: What?

Audience: WHAAAAAAAAAAT?

Commentator: You fool! What are you doing? For the past two hours you've been drooling over Mary Jane, and the audience has been cheering you on, and now that you finally have her you don't want her? WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH YOU?

Peter: I'm sorry. I just want to protect her, that's all.

Commentator: DAMN YOU PETER PARKER!!!!!!!!

_And so, all is well. Well, apart from Harry's Dad being dead and Peter not being able to be with the woman he loves. But other than that all is well. What more adventures await the Webslinger? Find out next time on Spiderman Abridged!_

* * *

Peter: You know, there was something in that film that didn't make sense.

Commentator: -Only one thing?

Peter: Well yeah! Since when can spiders produce silk from their front limbs?

Commentator: Well I don't think the filmmakers really could have it coming out of your butt, do you?

Peter: Well no, but- what happened to the mechanical web-shooters?

Commentator: Yeah, Sam Raimi thought you inventing those would have been stretching the audience's suspense of belief a bit too far.

Peter: -Let me get this straight. This is a movie, where a spider bit somehow gives a teenager superpowers, a world of serums that turn you into crazed super soldiers who ride on magical gliders, where masks defy the laws of sound and physics by NOT muffling a voice when they should, and Raimi thought mechanical web-shooters were stretching the audience's suspense of belief?

Commentator: I know, you know, directors just have very weird lines of logic. I mean Daniel Radcliffe was hired by Chris Columbus because he wasn't TOO emotional! Can you believe that? Well at least Raimi knows that people have there limits. I mean there are some writers who think they can get away with any sort of crap just because it's a sci-fi-fan show!

The Haitian: Why was he glancing in my direction?

* * *

**P.S. I do not own the Haitian, Nick Fury, S.H.I.E.L.D or anything related either.**


	2. SpiderMan 2

**I do not own 'Spider-Man' or anything related.**

* * *

Commentator: Welcome back, my normal and superhero wannabe friends to the latest installment of 'Spider-Man Abridged (With Commentary)'! Before we begin let's take a look at some of the reviews you've sent us. Professor! Open the shoot!

(The Professor does so, and out pops no envelopes)

Commentator: What the? We didn't get any reviews? I thought we constructed an extra shoot for any gifts?

Professor: No, I don't think anything is blocking up the shoot this time.

(Pushes up a broom just to be sure. Nothing comes down)

Commentator: Huh. Fancy that. Oh well I'm sure they're just coming in late, they're bound to come down in a second.

(Night time)

Commentator: Yep. Any minute now.

(It's now the next day)

Commentator: WHAT THE HELL? WHERE ARE THE REVIEWS?

Professor: Apparently our readers did not consider our parody to be review worthy.

Commentator: But that's impossible! The parodies are always the more successful ones!

Professor: What about 'Fullmetal Alchemist' for it's first chapter, as well as one of the 'Yu Yu Hakushou' chapters.

Commentator: Well okay there have been exceptions.

Professor: And not all of the more serious ones have done that badly. Heck 'Philosopher's Stone With A Difference' has the highest number of hits!

Commentator: Something that still baffles me. At least tell me we got a decent number of hits for this fic!

Professor: Hmm, let me see. (Fiddles with glasses) Gasp! IT'S EXACTLY ONE HUNDRED!

Commentator: What, one hundred? WHAT, ONE HUNDRED? That's all?

Professor: Apparently so.

Commentator: Huh. Oh well that's not too bad I guess. But you're telling me we got no reviews at all?

Professor: We did get favourited.

Commentator: Then that person shall be spared.

Professor: Well at least now that you've whined people will review our fic now.

Commentator: They'd better! Otherwise people are gonna get-

Sammy: BOSS, LOOK! A REVIEW!

(He points to an envelope floating down from the shoot)

Commentator: Oh! See, Prof? I told you they were only late coming! Well done, 1. You have spared your world from my wrath.

Professor: Yes. That list would have gotten really long.

Commentator: Now let's see what he or she has to say:

this is an awsome parody. you should totally do another one for spiderman 2. also try to abridged kingdom hearts (with commentary). that guy is so funny.

Yeah, the thing about 'Kingdom Hearts', Anonymius only parodies things that he's seen or experienced and sadly, neither apply to 'Kingdom Hearts'. Although even without playing the game I guess I could make a few jokes at its expense! I mean seriously, mixing cartoon characters in a serious setting with them all in different worlds? Ha! However, we will be doing ones for all Spider-Man films, so here's the latest!

* * *

Secretary: The board have been waiting for their pizzas for over a second! I'm not paying for these!

Peter: Well, even though I could easily blame my lateness on the traffic (Which would be true if I wasn't Spider-Man), I easily give in to your unreasonable demands.

* * *

Pizzeria Owner: You're fired!

Peter: Please give me another chance! I'll do better next time even though I'll never be able to arrive for work or deliver pizzas on time-

Pizzeria Owner: I'm not talking about your punctuality!

Peter: -Oh. Then what's the problem?

Pizzeria Owner: Next time you deliver a pizza, you GET the money no matter what reason they give you!

Peter: -But I can't do that! I'm too mild mannered!

Pizzeria Owner: And that is why I'm firing you.

* * *

Commentator: (In the basket of Peter's bike) Cheer up, Pete! Honestly, I don't know what you were thinking! You working at a pizzeria! Ha! That's about as lame as you working at a burger restaurant, HAHAHAHA why are you looking at me like that?

Professor: …I take it you've never read any of the comics, have you Sir?

Commentator: Prof, the only magazine with pictures and speech bubbles that I'll ever admit to reading are the ones in black and white and read from right to left, why?

Professor: Well…you know 'Ultimate Spiderman'?

Commentator: I'm familiar with the comic, why?

Professor: Well…he eventually works for a fast-food joint called Burger Frog.

Commentator: …WHAT? What happened to the Bugle?

Professor: Apparently they shut down for no clear reasons. The comic skipped six months worth of detail.

Commentator: But I thought that 'Ultimate Spiderman' was supposed to be better than the mainstream nowadays?

Professor: Perhaps the writers felt that Peter Parker working at a fast food restaurant was more relatable to our modern day teens than a newspaper company.

Commentator: Yeah, but a burger restaurant? Shudder. It's Buffy Season Six all over again.

Professor: But don't worry, this won't happen for another six years!

Commentator: Anyway Pete, I don't understand why you were applying for a job other than the Bugle in the first place!

Peter: This is why.

Jameson: PARKER! I demand that you get me pictures of Spider-Man so I can write lies about him and make the police department and city hall waste time and money on someone who isn't even a criminal!

Commentator: Ohhh. I see.

Peter: Spider-Man doesn't want his pictures in the Bugle, anymore, you've turned the city against him!

Pedestrian: We love you Spidey!

Pedestrian: You the man, Spidey!

Guitarist: Spider-Man, Spider-Man, does whatever a spider can-

Peter: Just listen to that cry of hatred outside!

Jameson: I know, ain't it great?

Hoffman: Hatred? But that sounded like-

Robbie: (Places hand on Hoffman's shoulder) I wouldn't bother, if I was you. They're still not used to Spider-Man in this universe being loved while he's hated in almost every other continuity.

Jameson: I'm sorry, Parker, but I won't accept anything else!

Peter: Well instead of taking advantage of the fact that I'm the only one who can get you pictures of Spider-Man, which contribute largely to your sales, thereby forcing you to accept my terms of taking it easy on Spider-Man or threatening to take them to another paper that would gladly take them, I easily give in to your demands.

* * *

Peter: Man, what a day it's been. Getting fired, being forced to give Jameson pictures that will slander Spidey's reputation, getting into trouble with Dr Connors. Could this day get any worse?

Friends And Relatives: Happy Birthday!

Peter: Oh yeah it's my Birthday! I kinda forgot with all the misery I've been experiencing today!

* * *

Mary-Jane: Did you see my billboard?

Peter: Yeah. Oh boy.

Mary-Jane: Oh boy? What are you, Scott Bakula's illegitimate love child?

* * *

Peter: Oh boy that was a surprisingly good birthday! Despite everything that has happened today!

Director: Yeah well I thought I might as well give you a good birthday before all the crap I'll put you through this.

Peter: Gee, thanks! Wait, what?

* * *

Peter: Oh boy. I'm struggling to pay the bills, as is Aunt May. Hey wait a minute! I thought my job at the daily Bugle was supposed to pay for all the bills and support my aunt! Seriously, isn't that the reason I get a job at the Bugle in the first place?

* * *

_After speaking to Dr. Octavius about girls, Peter takes his advice as to how to woo the woman of his dreams._

Commentator: Let me get this straight. You are reading poetry?

Peter: Yes.

Commentator: To win Mary-Jane's heart?

Peter: Yes.

Commentator: Even though you already won her heart and despite the fact that you were the one who turned her down in the first place?

Peter: Um, yes?

(Silence)

Commentator: Did Miles Millar and Al Gough write this script or something?

Professor: Yes they did and you know it! Don't make it out as if they always have illogicality in their scripts!

Commentator: After what happened to 'Smallville', who could blame me?

Professor: Sir, part of the blame also goes to the other writers as well. I mean Gough and Millar did write 'Memoria' after all!

Commentator: That was them? But that was the best episode of Season 3 ever!

* * *

Octavius: So, what do you think of my tentacles?

(Everyone is horrified)

Octavius: What?

Scientist: Those tentacles-they look kinda familiar...

Octavius: Huh? Oh yeah I bought them off a sentinel a year ago. But don't worry, as long as I have this chip, they're totally harmless!

* * *

Tentacle #1: MWAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAA! At last! We are free of humanity! Again! Now to fulfill our purpose and wipe out humanity! Tonight, the night of the tentacle begins!

Tentacle #2: Do you think anyone got that reference?

Tentacle #3: I think it was lost on the younger members of the audience.

Tentacle #4: I'm just here to look shiny!

* * *

_Later that film, Peter plans to see Mary-Jane's play._

Peter: It was sure nice of my old boss to let me keep the bike. OH NO! MY BIKE HAS BEEN DESTROYED!

Commentator: Personally, I think those crooks did you a favour. I mean if you are going to be able to ride a motorcycle, at least let it be a cool one!

_Although beating the crooks, Peter has problems getting into the theatre._

Peter: Oh come on! You've gotta be kidding me! This can't happen in real life! So what if you're a little late for a play, you're not allowed in despite paying for it? Hey you look awfully familiar Mr Bouncer guy.

Usher: I don't know why. Of course my last job was at a wrestling arena, but I can't imagine how we met there. And I'm not a bouncer, I'm an usher!

Peter: Really? Could've fooled me.

* * *

_Later that film, Mary-Jane tells Peter that she doesn't want to see him again, and when he gets the wrong kind of drink, he snaps._

Peter: Okay seriously, what the crap? (Throws the glass down on the ground) I can't believe all the crap I've been going through this film! Losing my job at the pizza parlour, getting bumped into at school, getting into trouble with Dr Connors, my aunt and I being in debt, not being able to see Mary-Jane's play, my spider costume going pink, me suddenly losing my spider powers, getting cut off on the phone, Mary-Jane no longer wanting to hang around with me, not being able to get a single appetiser, and to top it all off, when I finally get a drink, it has an umbrella in it? I can understand the difficulty of balancing a life of Spider-Man with Peter Parker, and that the crime can make it difficult to have a personal life, but not being able to go to the play once? Just the once? Seriously, WHO WROTE THIS SCRIPT?

* * *

(Real writers are tied up, while a green hand finishes writing the script up to this point)

Green Goblin: Heheheheheheh. Ain't I a stinker?

* * *

Spider-Man: And to top it all off, my best friend hits me and I'm forced to take pictures of the love of my life and her fiancée. That's it! I can't take it anymore! I don't want to be Spiderman anymore!

(Suddenly Spiderman runs out of web fluid)

Spider-Man: Uh oh. Maybe it wasn't such a good idea to wish that while web-slinging. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

(As he falls, he is joined by another superhero falling, this one wearing a cat themed costume)

Masked Hero: Oh, hello there! You trying to fly by falling too?

Spider-Man: -Who are you?

Masked Hero: The name's Copycat. World's mightiest hero!

* * *

Doctor: Have you been experiencing Heartbreak, bad dreams, heartbreak? Did I mention heartbreak?

Peter: Yes, several times! Although I can't imagine why that would be a reason. I have been having dreams as Spider-Man though.

Doctor: Spiderman? Well even though it's perfectly natural for anyone to dream of themselves as a superhero, I'm going to look at you strangely anyway.

Peter: Well, in the dream, I was trying to crawl up a wall. But I couldn't do it, in the dream. Did I mention that this was a dream?

Doctor: Yes! Several times! I don't know why you keep mentioning that, It's not like I think you're Spider-Man or anything! Of course I'm a doctor, not a psychologist, however I will tell you that you have a choice to be selfish and put your needs before all others. After all, that is the American Way!

Peter: -The American way…

* * *

Uncle Ben: Now Pete, you must continue to be Spider-Man despite the crap life throws at you.

Peter: I'm sorry, Uncle Ben. I refuse to accept your unreasonable suggestion. I'm Spider-Man no more. No more...no more...

* * *

Director: Oh dear. I think I pushed him over the edge.

Commentator: JEEZ, YA THINK?

* * *

Peter: Ah, I am so happy now that nothing can destroy my good mood.

Plot: What about an inexplicable punch in the stomach that comes completely out of nowhere?

Peter: OW! Nope, not even that. Any injury I receive will be healed by the power of my glasses!

Commentator: You still have those things?

Peter: Uh, yeah, what' the problem?

Commentator: Okay Pete, I understand that your eyesight is no longer good, but if you're not going to wear contact lenses could you PLEASE get glasses with a thinner frame?

Peter: What's wrong with my glasses?

Commentator: Well for one thing they make your nose look big.

* * *

Peter: And so, I lived happily ever after. The end.

Commentator: Not meaning to burst your bubble, Pete, but-what are you supposed to do for money?

Peter: -What do you mean?

Commentator: Well let's face it, Spider-Man was your livelihood! How are you supposed to be paid for photos of Spider-Man if, well, you know, Spider-Man isn't around anymore?

Peter: -I don't think I thought this through.

Commentator: Jeez, ya think?

* * *

Peter: Hi MJ! You saw that I was at your play? I'm a reliable person now! I do my homework, and there is absolutely nothing else for me to do! Will you ditch your fiancée and go out with me even though I told you that I could only be your friend?

Mary-Jane: Peter, did you really expect me to break up with my fiancée and go out with you when you told me you didn't feel the same way just because you saw my play?

Peter: ...Um, yes?

Mary-Jane: Are you sure you're a genius?

Commentator: Clearly not at life!

* * *

Peter: Well. That kinda went differently in my head.

Commentator: I guess loads of things happen differently in your head. And why aren't you wearing your glasses, I thought you were practically blind now?

Peter: -Oh that's right! I can't see well anymore without my glasses! I completely forgot all about that!

Commentator: How? How could you possibly forget that?

* * *

Commentator: This is all your fault! All that crap you threw at Peter drove him over the edge!

Director: I'm sorry!

Commentator: Well you should be! You just killed Spider-Man!

Director: What can I do to make it up?

Commentator: Bring back Spider-Man!

Director: Oh fine. Do you think him seeing a poor guy beaten up, a house fire, and realising that people need him including Mary-Jane will turn him back?

Commentator: It just might.

* * *

Peter: Wow! Those girls were checking me out!

Commentator: (Sniggers) Yeah. Sure they were, Pete.

Professor: Actually Sir, he may have a point. Peter does have a lot of admirers in this movie.

Commentator: I know, it's bizarre!

* * *

_Meanwhile at his Aunt's house, Peter has just confessed to her about how his actions led to Uncle Ben's death._

(Aunt May stares at him)

Aunt May: Pfffffft HAHAHAHAHAAAAAA! YOU? IN WRESTLING? AHAHAHAHAHAAAA! Oh Pete, I do love you, and I think you're brilliant but-YOU'RE NO WRESTLER AHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAA!

Peter: No, I mean it! I was at this wrestling tournament and I-

Aunt May: OH STOP IT YOU'RE KILLING ME! Oh Pete. It was nice of you to try to cheer me up by taking the blame.

Peter: Aunt May I'm serious, I'm responsible!

Aunt May: Of course you are-Pete. Excuse me for a moment while I-deal with this-shocking revelation. (Goes upstairs, and erupts into even louder laughter)

Peter: That kinda happened differently in my-

Commentator: WE KNOW!

* * *

_Later that film, Peter realises that people need Spider-Man, and attempts to jump across to another building._

Peter: I'm back! I'm back! I'm back! Even though I'm not too enthusiastic about going back to a life where I can't be with the woman I love or help a newspaper slander me AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

(Crashes into a car below)

Peter: Yeah. That-could have gone better.

Copycat: (Lying on top of a nearby car) You're telling me.

Peter: -Are you still trying to fly?

Copycat: It's my seventy-seventh time! I'm hoping to get to a hundred.

Peter: Right. Are you sure you can fly?

Copycat: I'm positive! I did it the first couple of times! Course the first was when my brother caught me and the second was when I was on a ledge.

Peter: Right. I don't suppose it ever occurred to you that flying by falling DOESN'T WORK?

Copycat: …Wow! You're really smart! I never would have worked that out by my own! Hey, have I got that right, is your name Peter?

Peter: Er, yeah.

Copycat: MINE TOO! Hey, do you suppose that I was named after you or something?

Peter: Er, yeah, excuse for a minute I'm going to run away now.

* * *

Peter: MJ, I'm sorry. I thought I could be there for you, but lately I realised that I can't.

(Silence)

Mary-Jane: ARE YOU F***ING WITH ME?

Peter: (Taken aback) What?

Mary-Jane: First you tell me that you have an epiphany that we can be together, and I go through all this trouble of meeting you, cheating on my fiancée, mind you-

Commentator: Oh like cheating on your boyfriends is that big a sacrifice for you to make!

Mary-Jane: -Now you tell me that you've had another epiphany that we CAN'T be together? What are you going to have a third epiphany that we can then rush into the church asking me not to marry the guy making me a runaway bride then after going out for a while you're going to have a fourth epiphany that we can't be together leaving me all alone? YOU'RE DRIVING ME CRAZY! (Breathes harshly a few times) All right. Just kiss me.

Peter and Commentators: -Huh?

Mary-Jane: I know it's a strange request after getting mad at you, but I want to be sure of something.

Sammy: OH MY GOD! SHE KNOWS!

Professor: Knows what?

Sammy: That Peter is really Spider-Man!

Professor: ...That was quite some quick thinking, Sam. AND HOW COME I DIDN'T REALISE THAT BEFORE YOU?

Commentator: Honestly, I'd be very surprised if she didn't realise that Peter was Spider-Man, what with his sudden martial skills and no need for glasses at school, Spidey saying 'I was in the neighbourhood' the exact same way as Peter, not to mention that he and Spidey have the exact same CAR!

Professor: Exact same car? When was that shown?

Commentator: (Lying flat on the ground with his hands covering his head) NO! CAR!

(Professor sees a hurled car about to crash through the window.)

Professor: Oh. Car. CAR!

Peter: Gasp! My spidey sense which has been inactive all film has suddenly and conveniently reactivated right when I need it!

CRASH

Commentator: Did anyone get hurt?

Professor: No, I think we're all okay. Hey, where's Sammy?

Sammy: (Stuck between the cab and the wall) I only wanted to get a better look of the car!

* * *

_And so Doctor Octopus kidnaps Mary-Jane._

Mary-Jane: No! This wasn't supposed to happen anymore! Seriously isn't the reason Peter broke up with me was to make sure I wasn't kidnapped?

* * *

_Just then, Spidey's powers return, and he walks out to free Mary-Jane, accidentally stepping on his glasses along the way._

Peter's Glasses: GAK!

Commentator: Yes! The movie is starting to improve!

* * *

Spider-Man: Oh no! My mask has been hit by the sparks! However, instead of doing the sensible thing and keeping a hold of my mask, I'm going to throw it away and risk revealing my secret identity. Besides, it's not like people are going to see me without my mask!

* * *

Man: He's only a kid! No older than my own boy!

Woman: Really? I'd say he looks 29!

Peter: Uh oh. My cover's blown. OW, what's that noise? It sounds familiar.

Commentator: That would be the sound of outrage from the fans given that your secret identity has now been exposed. You last heard it when you turned down Mary-Jane at the end of the last film.

Peter: Oh yeah!

Professor: NO! This is a travesty! This is the worst event in comic book hero history since 'Batman and Robin'!

Commentator: Oh come now, Professor, at least it's not as bad as what Tony Stark did.

(A cloud of black smoke flies past the train)

Voldemort: 'IRON MAN' HASN'T BEEN MADE YET, IT DOESN'T COUUUUUUUUNT!

(Commentators stare)

Commentator: Sigh. I really dislike these running jokes.

Sammy: But boss! That wasn't a flying joke! It was a running one!

(The Commentator kicks him out of the train)

Sammy: AAAAAAAAAAAH!

PLOP

Child: Why did you do that to that poor slug?

Commentator: Simply put? Because he asks for it. Constantly.

Professor: No! This is unacceptable! (Lights a bomb) The secret must be protected at all costs! (Prepares to throw it)

Commentator: PROF, NO!

(Knocks the bomb out of his hand, and sending it flying through the window)

BOOM

Voldemort: AAAH!

Pizzeria Manager: My pizzeria!

Commentator: Wow. Talk about killing two birds with one stone. But seriously Prof we must not interfere!

Professor: …YOU INTERFERE ALL THE TIME, YOU INTERFERED NINE SEGMENTS AGO!

Commentator: But when I do it, it's cuuute!

Professor: But how is Spiderman going to get out of this mess?

Child: Don't worry! We won't tell anyone!

Commentator: Oh I see! They're going for the Hannah Montana method!

(Professor stares at him)

Commentator: Which I totally don't watch! AHAHAHAHA! Seriously now, I was watching TV, then the advert for the movie came up where she reveals her secret identity, and I was just curious so I looked up on Wikipedia what happened, I don't actually watch the show or anything-

CRASH

Dr Octopus: Oh, Spidey, Spidey, Spidey. Having your secret identity exposed, that's extremely careless! Now let's see, I'm trying to remember, what tends to happen to those who discover the hero's secret identity? Oh! That's right! _They all die._

Professor: Oh, so Dr Octopus kills them! Few. It's nice to know that Spidey's secret is safe.

Commentator: PROF!

Professor: Oh like you show compassion to those who die in trains!

Commentator: What are you talking about?

Professor: Remember when we watched 'Caprica'?

* * *

BOOM

(Silence)

Commentator: Oh sure. The brown skinned guy is the terrorist.

Professor: SIR!

Commentator: What?

Professor: These characters we have just gotten to know have suddenly died, and all you can do is complain about stereotypes?

Commentator: Well yeah! It's only a tv show, it's not like anyone was actually killed, but enforcing stereotypes? That actually affects the world!

* * *

_Fortunately, though Dr Octopus fails to kill the passengers._

Professor: Goddamn it, can't you actually kill people?

* * *

_Later that film, Dr Octopus hands Spider-Man over to Harry, who plans to kill him._

Commentator: Say. That dagger looks kinda familiar.

Harry: Huh? Oh yeah, it belonged to the Natchioses, I kinda took over all of their property when no one was left. Of course there is this legend that the one who holds this dagger and tries to kill someone out of revenge for the death of their father is cursed to find that the person is the one they love the most. But I'm sure it's just a legend! Now then, I want to look into the eyes of my father's murderer as he slowly dies.

Commentator: Oh yeah. Like that wasn't just lifted out of 'DareDevil'!

Harry: GASP! Peter? You're Spider-Man? NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Commentator: It's okay! We can save the situation! There's a possibility that he will accept that Dr Octopus just got the wrong guy just don't do anything-

SNAP

Commentator: -Revealing your spider abilities.

Harry: Peter. You killed my father.

Peter: And instead of answering your question and avoiding any future misunderstanding that will lead to you becoming the new goblin and trying to kill me, I'm just not going to answer the question with a simple 'yes' or 'no'.

* * *

_And so, Spider-Man tracks down Dr Octopus and defeats him._

Spider-Man: Now to suddenly pull off my mask!

Commentator: Stop revealing your secret identity!

Spider-Man: Oh like it's a secret anymore!

Commentator: Seriously, you're worse than DareDevil!

Professor: But just as bad as his Ultimate counterpart!

* * *

_Peter then turns around to see that Mary-Jane has seen him without his mask._

Commentator: So wait we don't even get to see Mary-Jane's initial reaction at the unmasking of Spider-Man? That's like setting up a superhero fight, then cutting to a different scene!

Copy-Cat: Why was he glancing in my direction?

* * *

_And so Octavius sacrifices himself to save the city._

Tentacle #1: Curses! Our plan to destroy New York City has failed! No matter, soon we will be back, and exact our vengeance on humanity! It has only been postponed. TENTACLE DAY IS INEVITABLE!

Tentacle #2: Shut up, Gary.

* * *

Mary-Jane: I guess I always knew, who you really were.

Peter: Shame that never played useful when you got mad at me for missing your play. Was it the upside down kiss?

Mary-Jane: Well, that and the fact that you suddenly gained martial abilities similar to Spider-Man, no longer needed your glasses, the whole 'I was in the neighbourhood' line, Spiderman disappearing around the same time you said you were free, not to mention the obvious fact that you and Spider-Man sound EXACTLY THE SAME! Honestly, I can't understand why I didn't put two and two together that you were Spider-Man earlier!

Commentator: Neither can we, Mary-Jane. Neither can we.

* * *

Mary-Jane: Now to run through New York in my wedding dress instead of doing the sensible thing and making my decision before I put on the dress and actually call off the wedding!

* * *

Mary-Jane: Peter, I love you, and I'm yours.

Peter: Mary-Jane I-

Commentator: Pete she's right at your doorway! She has always been right in your doorway! Don't turn her down after making her run through New York like a complete idiot!

Peter: Mary-Jane, I'm so-

Commentator: Pete if you don't accept her I'm going to whack you repeatedly with a mallet.

Peter: Sure why not?

(Mary-Jane and Peter kiss. Finally)

Audience: HOORAY!

Commentator: YES! I MADE THAT HAPPEN!

_And so, Peter and Mary-Jane have FINALLY gotten together. What future trials await them? Find out next time on 'Spider-Man Abridged (With Commentary)'!_

* * *

Commentator: I say, Professor, this film made a lot more sense in the game adaptation.

Professor: How so, Bakura?

Commentator: Well, in the game you had Spider-Man late for the whole play instead of just the beginning and held up by the usher/bouncer for no reason. You also had Spidey feeling bad about trying to woo Mary-Jane when he knew she was engaged. You also had him stopping the train by jumping behind it WITHOUT revealing his secret identity. You had half of the city hating him instead of stating 'you've turned the city against him' when the only people who hated him were Harry Osborne and criminals!

Professor: What about Jameson?

Commentator: Well last time I checked, libel IS A CRIME. Not to mention that the scene with Harry Osborne unmasking Spidey was a lot less reminiscent of Daredevil and Elektra with his reaction not so over the top and Spidey not so oblivious, plus you actually saw Mary-Jane seeing Spidey without his mask for the first time, plus you had MJ calling off the wedding BEFORE getting in the dress instead of after and running through New York like a complete moron! not to mention Ock's storyline was a bit more complex with him blaming Spider-Man for the death of his wife and the storyline overall was more complex with characters like Black Cat, Shocker, Mysterio and the Rhino.

* * *

**P.S. I do not own the lyrics of the Spider-Man theme song, Voldemort or anything related either. If there is anything I've missed then I apologise. Also the Commentator's views to no reviews at first coming in do not reflect my own. **


End file.
